The human being is one of the most complexe creatures ever created. I was once lucky enough to feel simple inside that complexity. It lasted for awhile actually. Until I realized what was happening. Why it was working. Through a time, I was confused, lost, sad. Everything was unbearable. And then, when everything was at its worse, a light shone. Far. Inexorablement lointaine, et si difficile à percevoir. Mais elle fut perçue. By my eyes full of tears. And I held on to it as strongly as I could. Avec mes bras fissurés et mon âme brisée. I just couldn't let it go. I needed that light. Then, when finally I had it, it took the shape of a box, and disapeared pour devenir une partie integrale de moi, de qui je suis. I had to get rid of my confusion, and all my general negativity. So I stored it. In that box. Deep inside of me. And forgot about it. Au début, la boite n'était pas plus grosse qu'une boite d'allumettes. Puis elle s'est mise à grandir. Plus elle grandissait, plus je pouvais y mettre et y enfermer d'émotions. And so everything was hidden from me, by me. All I kept was a fake happiness created by the absence of sorrow. It was great. It went well. I had no worries, no tears, no fears. Until now. Love, selon moi, can only destroy you. So those feelings of care and love were stored with the hate and the sadness. They knew though, against all odds, that they had to be unleashed. They couldn't be hidden, stored, ignored. They were wild, and therefore couldn't be incaged. They started to make their way out on their own. Innocente comme je l'étais, je n'ai évidemment rien remarqué. Jusqu'à ce qu'il soit trop tard. Les sentiments s'étaient déjà échappés, et je les avais confondus avec de la joie. Puisque c'est bel et bien cela qu'elles m'apportaient.
Et c'est là qu'elles se sont écroulées. As they fell, they crushed the box, and let everything out. An overload of emotions took me. Shook me. And my box, my light, had left me. He was long gone, I had no place in his life anymore. All that the box had taught me, all that he had told me, vanished. Nothing can be held secret or hidden. Nothing can be ignored. And now everything is eating me from the inside. What was once trapped has now been freed so brutally that it cannot be controlled.
I have two options. Find the light, the box. Find him again. Force myself back into his life one way or another to relearn, without him being aware, a knowledge that saved me from everything for a long time. Or let everything run wild. Let everything destroy me, or try to tame them. But ain't nobody got time for that. It's chase for him, or destruction dégagée d'une perte de contrôle.
I need to find the box. I need to trap them again.
